


'Cause I can’t compete with your boyfriend, he’s got 27 tattoos (Track 9: I Would)

by tisktisk (PornyZiallFeels)



Series: Take Me The Fuck Home Already [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, M/M, ed as willow, liam as giles, louis as spike, niall as xander, zayn as buffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:25:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1313182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PornyZiallFeels/pseuds/tisktisk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Riveting tale really but what was the point exactly in telling me it, confirming all my doubts about you actually being as suave as you let on?" The vampire shrugged.</p><p>“Sure, could say but mostly I wanted to let you know I was still a virgin when I was turned, so just imagine how amazing my arse would feel around your prick as you fucked me yeah? Tight as the first time every time, and I’d let you you know, fuck me...just say the word slayer.”</p><p>[or the one where Zayn is Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Louis is either Spike or Angel or a combination of both]</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Cause I can’t compete with your boyfriend, he’s got 27 tattoos (Track 9: I Would)

**Author's Note:**

> This would be my ode to the glorious TV series that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it was seriously one of my favorite shows ever, who am i kidding by saying was, i still marathon that show whenever i can even now. If you're not familiar with the show or the characters for some insane reason I dunno some things might not make sense like who the boys are suppose to be representing etc, or maybe it won't matter I don't really know, you can just read it and see for yourself maybe?
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon just respect and admire the universe he created, no harm or copyright infringement intended.
> 
> p.s I looked up whether or not vampires can get tattoos and all the sites said yes so i'm going with that lol

Zayn never asked for this you know, to be the first male slayer in the history of slayerdom, but here he was prowling the usual graveyard, twirling a stake in his hand in search of bumpy faces and fangs when all he really wanted was a normal life.

By day he usually accomplished this attending University, hanging out with his two best mates and most of all snogging his boyfriend Harry at every possible moment he could but by night he was plagued by his solemn duty to protect the Hellmouth that had newly opened in Doncaster, England.

All of this was made unbearably more difficult by the five foot six pixie without a pulse sized shadow trailing him and talking his ear off about just about anything that came to his mind, usually stories from his good ole day which for someone who’s been around for over a century he unfortunately never ran out of.

Louis Tomlinson a.k.a _Blade_ , for his fondness for slicing his victims open with the blade of a box cutter and laughing manically as their blood just pours from their throats into his mouth. He was one of the most ruthless vampires in all of history and every dusty textbook Liam owned told Zayn to be wary of him and yet for months now he’s fought alongside the vampire instead of dusting him like he knew he really ought to.

For some reason he just couldn’t do it, Louis may have been renown for being a heartless killer that didn’t bat an eyelash in remorse as he dumped the lifeless body of his victim in a dark alley after he’d had his fill in the past, but to Zayn he was simply this annoyingly sassy prick who was much too handsome for the slayer’s frame of mind and pissed him off by making fun of his taste in music. Other than that Louis did more good than harm, helping Zayn rid the town of vampires by fighting alongside what’s supposed to be his enemy.

In Louis’ defense he’d only come to Doncaster to see what all the hype was about this new slayer, the novelty of him being a male not nearly enough to interest him, you see unlike most of his kind Louis didn’t in fact want to destroy the slayer been there-done that. He was more intrigued by the stories of a true warrior with the face of an angel, he was curious and so when he happened upon Zayn in action one night, hidden behind a tree he watched Zayn’s lithe body move as he kneed one vamp in the crotch before whirling around and catching a second in the throat.

He was amazing and Louis couldn’t tear his eyes away. That is until a third vampire tried to sneak up on the poor sod from behind. Louis clucked his tongue thinking it was a shame because the slayer had been doing so well up until then.

Louis watched as this new bloke vamped out, bringing his fangs in close, too close for Louis’ liking actually and without thinking he tore a branch down from the tree he stood under and plunged it into the fledgling’s chest.

Zayn whirled around, eyes dancing and determined as he flicked his wrist, driving his stake into the final vampire.

When the dust settled and the air around them cleared there only stood Louis, all gorgeous blue eyes with slicked back hair and leather jacket, sort of reminding Zayn of Danny Zuko from Grease.

The mysterious stranger smiled showing off two rows of perfect white teeth, his canines long and sharp but not unusual, there was something about that smile though beautiful that was also hungry looking, telling Zayn to beware.

“Ello love.”

And that had been it; they introduced themselves and walked around for a bit after that searching for more vampires to take out. Zayn asked Louis how he found out about demons being _real_ and Louis shrugged and said he’d watched his girlfriend get the blood drained from her neck. Something about the way he said it so coolly sent a chill down Zayn’s back, it was much too casual.

What Louis of course failed to mention that night was that it had been _him_ that’d done the draining.

XXX

“You know I wasn’t always this dashing and debonair.” Louis said offhandedly as they made their rounds of the graveyard. Zayn spared him an unimpressed look and smirked.

“Is that what they’re calling it these days? Where I’m from we’d just call you a twat.” Louis chose to ignore that and proceeded.

“Hmm, yeah I was quite the nerd actually—a poet and an awful one at that. Everyone was always laughing at me, in fact the night I died I was ready to hang myself after my beloved Eleanor took the poem I’d written just for her and read it aloud to her mates. They all chortled at my expense, called me a loser…”

Louis trailed off seeming to get lost in his reverie for a moment before shaking his head to clear it.

“But enough of that Stan found me with the shoddy noose around my neck about ready to jump and put me out of my misery by turning me. A few days later I went back and drank the cunt and her little birds dry.”

Zayn tried his best no to shudder at Louis unwarranted trip down memory lane.

“Riveting tale really but what was the point exactly in telling me it, confirming all my doubts about you _actually_ being as suave as you let on?" The vampire shrugged.

“Sure, could say but mostly I wanted to let you know I was still a virgin when I was turned, so just imagine how amazing my arse would feel around your prick as you fucked me yeah? Tight as the first time _every_ time, and I’d let you you know, _fuck me.._.just say the word slayer.”

This time Zayn did shudder as Louis’ voice took on a new different tone this one low and velvet smooth as he seemed to speak almost directly into Zayn’s ear even though there was a good foot of space between them.

“We can do it anywhere you’d like wanna bend me over this here tombstone give ol’ Gertie Floyd one last hoorah? Or you can lie back on the grass and I’ll ride you or you can lift me up and fuck me against that mausoleum over there, I think yer strong enough—know you can hold me.”

“F-fuck Louis stop it, just stop! Even if I wanted to, which I _don’t_ —you’re a disgusting dead thing that I have sworn to kill, but I have a boyfriend remember? A real, live boyfriend who I— _care_ about.”

Louis’ eyes lit up at the slip and he pointed a finger at him.

“Ah but you didn’t say _love_ though did you love?” The darker boy bristled, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well we haven’t been dating all that long, give it time and I will.” Zayn had to bite his lip because that hadn’t sounded very convincing to his own ears let alone to…Louis waved him off carelessly.

“Pssh, alright what about sex? Have ya fucked yet?”

“What? God Louis that’s certainly _none_ of your business.”

“So I’m guessing that’s a no then.” The vampire droned, pretending to check for dirt under his nails.

“For your information we’re waiting until it feels right.” Zayn hadn’t expected Louis to throw his head back and laugh at that.

“So in other words until you can get it up for ‘im?”

“What the fuck man that’s not what I said at all; stop putting words in my mouth.”

“Then what are you saying other than a bunch of rubbish, I know you must not be all that into him.”

“Oh yeah, how so?” Louis shrugged again and this time he somehow moved close enough so that he _did_ whisper directly into Zayn’s ear, his cool breath ghosting against Zayn’s neck making goose bumps break out all over his body.

“Because you were hard the second you saw me during our first run in.” Zayn sucked in a sharp breath.

“What, is that old brain of yours finally catching up with your body and rotting? You’re clearly delusional.” Louis shook his head, tapping his own button nose.

“Mm, sorry babe can’t fool the old sniffer, vampire remember? Could smell the arousal rolling off of you in waves.”

“Not that I’m _admitting_ to anything but if it were true it’d only be because I hadn’t _known_ you were a vampire, you jumped in to help me dust those other vamps for god sakes how was  I to know you _were_ one?”

“Of ‘cos, of ‘cos only if I remember right and like you just said I am over a hundred years old…you _remained_ hard even after you realized your slayer senses were still tingling but the only other person around ya…was _me_.”

“Look as nice as it has been catching up, it looks like tonight is a total bust so if you’ll excuse me I have to report back to Liam.” The vampire seemed to light up t that.

“Ah yes yer sage ol’ Watcher, think I’ll walk ya over then, haven’t seen Specs in a mo.” Zayn really wanted to knock his head again a tree or perhaps one of the many tombstones they passed.

“Oh god I really wish you wouldn’t”

“Oi and why not, ashamed of me? The darker boy didn’t even bother to roll his eyes.

“Not only that but walking with you would require being your company for even a second longer.” Louis brought a hand up to his chest in mock offense, always one for the dramatics.

“Well I never! I’ll have you know that as pretty as that face of yours is, I am ten times prettier if you don’t believe me grab any random person off the street and they’ll tell ya if for no reason other than that I _made_ them.”

“That’s right the old vampire compelling trick, does that not work on slayers then?”

“Sure it does.” Zayn’s eyebrows wrinkled u in confusion at this new information.

“Really then why not just compel me into sleeping with you, take what you want yeah?” Louis froze mid step and Zayn had to turn all the way around now to look at him.

“Don’t want to have ya like that do I? Reckon I’d want you to _want_ to be with me.” Zayn doesn’t exactly know what to say to that and for once Louis is content to walk in silence, hands stuck in his pockets as he busied himself with dribbling a rock like he would a soccer ball all the way to the town’s only library where Liam worked. Since it was a public building there was unfortunately no real way of stopping Louis from following him inside so Zayn sighed and held the door open behind him for the paler man.

When Zayn made his way to the study room down in the library’s basement he found Niall snacking on a Twinkie and pretending to read out of one of Liam’s dusty old books while Ed who took everything much more seriously than the Irish boy actually pored over an even dustier book, skimming the pages carefully for some unknown nasty.

“Oh good Zayn you’re here…we’re just now searching for any information we can find on the…oh, you’ve brought company I see.” Liam said, noticing the other figure standing just behind Zayn and pushed his glances back up the bridge of his nose. At this both Niall and Ed looked up from their respective texts. Niall grinning while Ed glared.

“Tommo!” Niall cried happily. Ed in turn sneered out a simple “Louis.” Zayn made an offended noise, hopping up onto the table.

“ _Brought_ is not exactly how I would put it, more like he followed me here and refused to leave.”

“Ah well, yes that sounds about right.” Louis snorted.

“Oh come now Payno you know you secretly love having me around I keep you young, chasing those silvers away.” Liam frowned, taking off his glasses to give them a good polish as he squinted over in the vampire’s general direction.

“I beg to differ; I believe you’re the _cause_ of any gray hairs I find”

“You say tomato and I say ketchup, whatever you know I can be quite helpful to have around with my vast knowledge of all things that go bump in the night…and in the morning come to think of it only you know _subterranean_ but the point is you need me.” Ed groaned slamming his text shut and moving on to the next one closest to him.

“You couldn’t have I don’t know _staked_ him Zayn, isn’t that pretty much the _only_ requirement in your job description.” Louis literally hissed at the ginger, letting his fangs drop just so.

The red head barely flinched, which usually was just for show, Louis could still hear his thrumming heart in his chest that bellied his outward indifference. But today his heart beat normal as anything and Louis did not like that, one bit he could not afford to lose the upper hand here after all he was still a master vampire, the big nasty.

_Yeah right a master vampire wearing pastel skinny jeans cuffed at the ankles and toms for god sakes_

Louis jumped slightly as Ed’s voice suddenly invaded his mind.

“The fuck was that, how did you just?” The rest of the room’s occupants all blinked cluelessly at him as Ed only smirked.

 _They don’t know about_ this _yet so you just look like a barmy knob right now_

Louis gasped; avoiding the others eyes as he tried something out.

 _That right and what exactly is_ this _then?_

_Why should I tell you?_

_Are you daft who am I going to tell, this is an advantage for you lot, and I like that. If any of my fellow ghouls find out about any weakness to your little rag tag of Scoobies that would mean potential harm for Zayn and I would_ never _let that happen_

_You say that but…_

_Jesus Christ I help you guys nightly get yer bad guy, why the fuck would I do that, I’d literally be shunned from the demon world by now if I wasn’t well_ me _and more than half the demons in this town weren’t too bloody scared to dare cross me_

“Uh is anyone else slightly weirded out by Ed and Louis basically eye-fucking each other because this is definitely giving _me_ a case off the heebie jeebies—they’re supposed to hate each other Leeyum make them stahp!” Niall whined from around his second Twinkie.

“Err yes well, I do wonder why…” Liam remarked making Zayn clear his throat, not that he was _jealous_ or anything if Ed wanted to be a blood sucker groupie than he was more than welcome to, was a free country and all that.

After all Zayn had Harry sweet, dorky _Harry_ with his luscious curls and adorable dimples, his body littered with all those sexy tattoos, god he hated to admit it but Louis was right what was he _waiting_ for? He should text Harry right now and see what he was up to, since there didn’t seem to be anything too pressing for him to handle this evening.

_Well?_

Louis prodded causing Ed to roll his eyes.

_Its witch craft, apparently I come from a long line of witches and I like Zayn am the first male to inherit the gene_

_Bloody hell, never liked witches, they make my very skin crawl_

_Yeah well same for me whenever_ you _show up_

_Wanker_

_Tosser_

_Glinda_

_Blood breath_

_Tinkerbell—wait she wasn’t a witch now was she?_

_You’re such an idiot and…_ oh _, oh man Zayn’s thinking about texting Harry for a booty call, you better get in there_

 _“_ Pay-no they’re still going at it, I’m seriously about to lose my dinner, it’s just so unnatural.” Zayn reached across the table to bop the blonde on the nose.

“Oh and _me_ and Louis wouldn’t be?”

“Who says that?” Liam asked, finally looking up from where he’d been polishing his glasses, a nervous habit.

“Niall says it all the time, messages me on Facebook during lecture sending me a pros and cons list he’s made as to why I should just give in and shag him.” This helped break whatever weird trace Ed and Louis seemed to be in as the smaller boy licked his lips and wiggled his eyebrows comically at the blonde.

“Atta boy Nialler knew you’d make for a brilliant wing man.” Niall actually preened in his seat at this.

Zayn shook his head and hopped off the table as he read Harry’s reply.

“Well lads it’s been real but I’ve got a fit lad to snog waiting for me elsewhere.” He moved towards the door, turning instantly to glare when he felt Louis move with him.

“Alone.” He gritted out shooting the slighter boy a look that showed he meant it. Louis looked taken aback and for once he actually listened.

XXX

Zayn does go over to Harry’s and they don’t fuck but they do get each other off, and if Zayn gets hard more from the fact that he knows Louis is outside watching them through the window then anything Harry’s doing with his hand on his prick, he ignores it.

Afterwards they say their goodbyes, kissing in Harry’s doorway. Zayn leaves Harry’s flat still reeking of the other boy, he doesn’t even pretend to be surprised as Louis falls into step with him, talking casually as if he didn’t just watch Zayn wank and get wanked by another boy.

“So that’s Harry then?” Louis asked unbothered.

“Mmhm.”

“He’s pretty; I didn’t think he’d be so pretty.” Zayn braves a glance over to the older man to see him glaring down at his Toms.

“Yeah it’s the curls and the dimples.”

“He’s got an awful lot of tats for a 19 year old.”

“Yeah.” The darker boy couldn’t keep the arousal out of his voice; it was just tattoos were a thing for him, an instant turn on if you will.

“They’re pretty hot too, how many you reckon he’s got?”

“Twenty-seven, at least.”

“Hmm.”

“That all you got?” Zayn asked turning to face Louis for the first time and noticing the vampire wouldn’t meet his eyes. They walk in silence for a few more beats before Zayn finally throws his hands up.

“Fuck Louis would’ya bloody saying something?”

“Goodnight Zayn.”

Was all he said as he walked off in the opposite direction and that’s when Zayn looked up and saw he was stood in front of the three bedroom flat he shared with Niall and Ed.

XXX

Louis was mostly missing in action after that and Zayn would not admit that he missed him, he killed vamps like it was well like it was his job didn’t bother with witty puns or snarky comments, didn’t fight them with any kind of finesse after all who was there to impress?

No one

Then the oddest thing happened Ed started laughing out of nowhere and he quickly reached for a nearby napkin to draw on.

“Did you know Louis got ink?” He asked idly as he finished up his drawing.

“What no…” Ed nodded and slid the napkin over to reveal a stickman wearing a snapback and riding a skateboard. Zayn was quite fond of snapbacks though his collection wasn’t nearly as impressive as Niall’s and he was known for preferring to get around town by skateboard more than any other mode of transportation.

Almost the same thing happened the next day, with Ed shaking his head in amusement before showing Zayn the _oops!_

Zayn was so distracted that he completely forgot to ask Ed _how_ the fuck he knew about Louis’ tats…was he meeting with him for secret rendezvous now? But he couldn’t think about that because Louis had gotten a tattoo of the very first word Zayn’d ever said to him.

After he dusted the very last vamp right in Louis’ face, making the older boy sneeze on the cloud of dust, he’d pulled the most innocent face he could muster as he held his hands up as if to say _what can ya do_ and simply said

“Oops!”

He kept at it adding little seemingly random tattoos, a tea cup, a paper airplane, a compass, quotation marks, a tiny flock of birds, a screw on his ankle the words the rogue, a camera, a one sided game of tick-tack-toe, far away, it is what it is, the number 70, horse shoe, a bomb, Pac-man, a knotted rope a cracked heart with headphones on.

It got to the point that he was so preoccupied with what new tattoo Louis would get that he was completely neglecting his relationship with Harry until one day they were watching a movie and Zayn grabbed Harry’s arm and tried tracing his tats with his finger, wanting to feel some kind of thrill go through him, some excitement— _something_ but he didn’t and he knew then this wasn’t working out.

He broke up with Harry that night and Louis somehow found out about it because he went back to the tattoo parlor that very next day to get the heart tattoo touched up so it now looked as if it had been sewn back up and even added a handsome buck underneath.

By the time he finally saw Louis again he had a totally of twenty- _eight_ tattoos scattered about his body and it was driving the darker boy mad how much he wanted to lick each and every one of them. But it wasn’t until his latest addition, a sparrow on his forearm that had Zayn demanding to know how Ed knew about all these tats.

Ed confessed he could communicate through telepathy, _not_ to be mistaken with mind reading because:

“I can’t like read just any random thoughts, they have to be _specifically_ directed to me for me to pick them up and I can do this because I am a witch or well a warlock. My mother was one as was her mum and so on; I’m the first male in my family’s legacy.”

“Oh go eat a bag of dicks mate, why am I the always the useless one, the Zeppo.” Niall cried out suddenly slamming his fist on the table in frustration.

"What does that even _mean_?” Ed asked, chuckling.

“You know Zeppo Marx…the useless one the straight man everyone forgot about because he wasn’t funny or special like the others he was just... _there_. Payno knows what I’m talking about.” Niall finished, looking to the Watcher to back him up.

“I don’t believe I do, Niall how _old_ do you think I am exactly?”

“Erm early thirties at least?” Liam sputtered, waving his arms around in outrage.

“ _What?_ I’m only twenty-five!”

“Seriously mate? Huh must be the glasses.”

“Or the tweed.” Ed offered helpfully.

“Oh, oh _definitely_ all that tweed…” Niall agreed eyeing Liam’s current sweater vest like it was responsible for all that was wrong in the world.

“And the fact that he’s a librarian everyone knows only old people take librarian jobs.” Zayn threw in just to be an arse.

“Get bent the lot off you.” Liam growled tossing the book he was holding down onto the table. Ed and Zayn just stared at him never having heard the Watcher swear before. While Niall just cackled away.

“That’s more like it!” The watcher cleared his throat, smoothing down his tweed vest to compose himself.

“Yes well about this sudden witchy inheritance of yours Edward, how long exactly have you known about it?” The ginger offered Liam a sheepish grin.

“Uh….” He started but Zayn cut him off.

“Before you interrogate him Liam I need him to tell me where I can find Louis like right now.” Ed thought about refusing to tell him but figured he was already in hot water with Liam or keeping his powers a secret; he didn’t need to be on the slayer’s bad side as well.

“He’s moved into that mausoleum just passed Gertrude Floyd’s grave, says he’s trying to become a better man or summat.” Niall snorted.

“That’s rich, he’s not even a man he’s a vampire.” Zayn flinched at the reminder, as if he could ever really _forget_.

The sad part was it didn’t make him want him any less.

XXX

“You got a sparrow?”

 Was the first thing Zayn said  when he felt that familiar tingle at the back of his head that told him a vampire was near and he knew when he turned he wouldn’t find just any vampire but Louis.

“Why hello to you too gorgeous.” The smaller boy joked, throwing his hands up in defense.

“Cut the shit Lou, you got a fucking sparrow, a huge ass sparrow on your arm.” He continued to accuse.

“Uh huh.” Louis said finally, wondering why Zayn felt the need to keep reminding him. He had been the one to get the bloody thing after all.

“I know you’ve gotten a lot of crap tattoos that couldn’t possibly have any meaning behind them but this one, I’ve looked up sparrow tattoos when I was deciding what bird to get on my hand before setting on a dove…the question is do _you_.” The vampire rolled his eyes.

“Oh you mean how they’re usually associated with freedom, undying love and commitment to a single person. Loyalty, sacrifice and bonding? Yeah think I got the memo before going under the needle. Why you like it?”

“Oh just shut the fuck up and kiss me.”

Louis’ smile vanished in an instant as he suddenly went gravely serious; closing in the distance between them, despite Louis preternatural speed Zayn still couldn’t wait and moved to meet him half way.

Making a tiny squeak in surprise as he was lift into the air as if he weighed nothing, his legs automatically coming to wrap around Louis’ waist as the vampire carried him over to the side of the mausoleum, pressing him hard against the cold stone until their eyes met.

He hesitated only a beat to make sure he was reading Zayn right and finally— _finally_ ducked in for a kiss that was long overdue.

XXX

Harry watched Zayn disappear into the mausoleum with that gorgeous boy from behind a tree, biting his lip he shoved off, head hung because he’d really thought things were going good between him and Zayn, maybe even headed in the direction of love but apparently he’d been alone in this thinking which really sucked.

He took one more step when without warning he doubled over in pain, but not the metaphorical pain of heartbreak but actual pain, an ache that was all too familiar around this time of the month ever since his cousin Oz and him were messing about in the backyard with a football and he accidentally scratched Harry’s cheek as they aggressively wrestled for the ball.

Oz’s eyes had widened and all he could do was mutter _sorry, I’m so sorry Haz_ as he scrambled to his feet and took off running, at the time Harry had tried to call after him, assure him if was just a little scratch even if it _wasn’t_. It was pretty long actually nearly slicing a second dimple into his left cheek and it _burned_ , god did it burn. Standing himself he dusted off the seat of his shorts and rushed into the house to clean his wound before it got infected.

Ever since then one night out of every month when there was a—Harry glanced up at the sky and mentally cursed himself.

“No, no, not now fuck!” He begged, his insides already beginning to twist and knot as the transformation began. He knew he’d never make it to his basement in time where he usually chained himself up on full moon nights, he’d then call his sister Gemma, the only other person who knows what he’s become to unlock him and fuck he didn’t have a change of clothes or anything with him and he’d not doubt have to come back here to search for his mobile in the morning and worst of all someone or maybe even multiple _some ones_ were going to get hurt, most likely die tonight and it will be all his fault.

Finally giving into the change Harry fell to his knees, crying out in agony as his insides were basically torn apart until all he could do was howl, no longer capable of thought beyond _hungry, food, must find food_.

**Author's Note:**

> and harry as a werewolf. I toyed with the idea of making him more like Riley was on the show part of 'The Initiative' (a military based group who know about supernatural baddies and collect them to experiment on) but thought nahhh.
> 
> p.s Louis was definitely written more Spike then Angel because i just liked him more ok?


End file.
